Features
HomeDads - In Our Own Words
interviewed by Nick Cavender
What led you to become a home dad?
"It was something I wanted to do. Few fathers get the opportunity - and miss out because of it." (Adam, Northamptonshire)
"My wife earns twice as much as I did. Childcare was starting to get very costly. So at the end every week I was bringing home very small wages." (Andrew, Cheshire)
"Being made redundant just as my wife's maternity leave was ending. She was keen to go back to work, but only 3 or 4 days a week, and got much more out of her work. I'd also been surprised just how attached I'd become to our baby, and I'd been looking at ways to reduce my hours but my employer wasn't interested. Then they made me redundant! Now I've found a part-time job, which still gives me two days at home each week with William." (Richard, London)
"After deciding to have a child we both agreed that we wanted to bring it up ourselves. We earned roughly the same, so the decision was based not on necessity but on personal preference. I enjoyed my work but it wasn't particularly fulfilling. Laura got more from her work than I ever did, so the choice was obvious." (Simon, Berkshire)
"I'd had my career, but my wife was just starting hers." (Mark, Hull)
What did you do before? Do you miss it?
"I was a head gardener on a large estate in Cheshire. Yes, I do miss it! If I had my way, I'd put him in the pram, strap him to lawn mower, and off we'd go!" (Andrew, Cheshire)
"Engineering Buyer - I miss adult interaction." (Karl, Worcestershire)
What reactions did you first get from people?
"Most people in our village found it odd." (Mark, Hull)
"My mum thinks I'm mad to do this as it's a "woman's job" to look after the children, and the man's role is go to work. But I keep reminding her that we did have a woman prime minster once." (Andrew, Cheshire)
"Men thought I had gone mad; women thought I was brave." (Karl, Worcestershire)
"The motor trade is full of Jeremy Clarkson types. They all thought I'd turned queer." (Karl, Kent)
"There were disparaging remarks from some former colleagues and regulars down the local. But after fielding the first few of those, they became water off a ducks back." (Richard, Beds)
What reactions do you get now from people?
"Most people think I'm brave and a hip, new age dad. But I'm just trying to do what's right for my son." (Andrew, Cheshire)
"The assumption that I'm a home dad because my wife was the breadwinner is a little annoying." (Adam, Northamptonshire)
"I usually get an awkward silence and then 'Oh, that's nice!', or something suitably patronising." (Murray, Berkshire)
"The number of 'home dads' has increased dramatically in the last few years so attitudes are slowly changing. It seems a long time since I heard, 'That's unusual' when telling people what I do. It's nice to feel almost socially acceptable again." (Richard, Beds)
What is the strongest (or strangest) reaction that you have had?
"Our health visitor told me what a wonderful job I was doing looking after my kids. I said that if I was a women I'd be expected to do it. But she said it was different for a man to be looking after his kids and therefore that much harder." (Mark, Hull)
"I was referred to as 'one of them' by our health visitor." (Karl, Kent)
"When my wife explained to our health visitor that I would be caring for William at home when she went back to work, the health visitor asked "Will the baby be alright?" It made me fume!" (Richard, London)
"Someone once asked me if my wife didn't love the boys because she works full-time." (Gogs, Edinburgh)
"A mother at a toddler group told me that I could never look after children as well as a woman can." (Karl, Worcestershire)
"Very early on I was pushing the pram with my brother, and a 10-year-old pointed at us and said, 'Hey look, gay people.'" (Adam, Northamptonshire)
"I went along to one of the local NCT groups. Most of them knew me from anti-natal classes, but I was still welcomed at the door by a mum who said "Oh, do we allow men in here?" I think she was joking, but I'm not sure!" (Richard, London)
"I met a woman who said 'That's great. I'd definitely trust you to look after a child.'" (Simon, Berkshire)
"Someone assumed that my son's mother was 'not around' anymore. I thought that was a rather negative assumption." (Neil, Coventry)
"Mother-in-law asked us when we were going to stop messing around and change back? That was two and a half years ago!" (Dave, Essex)
"Being told by the man who came to empty our over flowing and malfunctioning cess-pit that he couldn't do my job. The feeling was mutual." (Richard, Bedfordshire)
"One woman I met at a parent and toddler group had no hesitation in telling me how inappropriate she thought it was for men to be looking after children. Each to their own." (Alastair, London)
"Do you work part-time? What are your plans for the future (such as when your children go to school)?
"What would you change to make the life of home dads better?
"Dads' groups need to be designed for (and by) dads. Sitting in a health centre drinking orange squash with one other dad isn't my idea of fun. And why are baby-changing facilities always in the ladies' loo?" (Richard, London)
"I would like to see true equality. The government and employers should recognise the right of men to become homedads if they wish, without prejudice or social stigma." (Murray, Berkshire)
"Invent something to do all the housework!" (Darren, London)
"Taller prams! More unisex baby changing rooms!" (Jonathan, Cambridgeshire)
"I can't think of any situation where my gender has adversely affected by ability to look after the kids. Once you've mastered the on-the-knee nappy change you can go anywhere and do anything." (Richard, Bedfordshire)
What has been your best homedad moment?
"Everytime my boys say they love me." (Gogs, Edinburgh)
"Sharing a joke with my son. At least once a week we'll swap silly faces or noises whilst driving in the car. Last week I had to pull over due to the giggles." (Adam, Northamptonshire)
"Being there when Bethany learns something new. Having lots of quality time together." (Jonathan, Cambridge) Coming back to my shopping trolley to find a women blowing raspberries at Megan. The woman then turned to me, red-faced, and said, "She did it first!"" (Karl, Kent)
"Hearing the first words seeing the first steps all the other things I would have missed whilst at work. Also I don't have to shave every day!" (Karl, Kent)
"My eldest will chat to any and everyone who'll give him the time of day. Last week he was explaining to a woman and her young daughter in the supermarket that we were buying the ingredients for a cake because it was mummy's birthday. Very excitedly he went on "Daddy hasn't made a cake before so I'm going to show him ... It's a special day ... When I went into mummy and daddy's room this morning daddy was giving mummy one!" As both mine and the woman's face reddened, I tried to explain that he meant a present." (Richard, Bedfordshire)
And what has been your worst?
"Going into the baby changing room at a well-known store and changing my son's nappy. I didn't notice the breast-feeding lady to the side of me, I was so busy trying to get the nappy sorted." (Gogs, Edinburgh)
"Having two women breast feed on either side of me. I usually just look the other way." (Simon, Berkshire)
"My wife's grandmother telling me in private that I'll never be able to cope." (Karl, Worcershire)
"Being a little isolated at home. Going to my local church playgroup, and being the only dad there (sometimes). I have got use to it now." (Jonathan, Cambridge)
"Coping with the isolation. Shortly before our first son was born we moved to an area where I had no close friends or family and for a time it was very difficult to motivate myself to get out of the house between feeds and nappy changes. Realising I was becoming over familiar with the daytime TV schedule was the shock my system needed and we were soon regularly hacking down the A1 and even making friends locally." (Richard, Beds)
What advice would you give to anyone thinking of becoming a home dad?
"Just do it. I spoke to a guy over the Christmas period and I was going on about how hard it was to look after two babies with another the one on the way. He just looked at me and said at least you get the enjoyment of your kids. The last time he saw his son was six years ago when he was six years old. Made me realise how lucky I was." (Mark, Hull)
"It's great, but it will only be so if you're prepared to work at it. It certainly isn't a soft option. The only way to survive is to commit yourself to it. If you think you'll be watching the football, cricket, tennis etc., then you'll run into problems." (Adam, Northants)
"I've had to make a lot of new contacts as a home dad but once the word got around that I was "at home" with our baby, I suddenly heard about other home dads in the area. At toddler groups and other kids' gatherings, it can be difficult to talk to other parents, as they are mainly mums. However, once they see that you can feed, change and deal with your baby or toddler, you will gain a lot of credibility. But it takes time, so don't let first impressions put you off." (Richard, London)
If you have a comment that you'd like to make on your experiences as a homedad, we'd love to hear from you. Please contact us at info@homedad.org.uk